Blue

I have been a raging bitch lately. For about a week, I have been in what I can only call a funk....and not the George Clinton variety. I have been weepy, cranky, snarling and mean.

PMS, you ask? Negative. But thanks for the suggestion.

The past few years have been rough for more reasons than I can ever begin to explain. Life changes, love changes, changes I welcomed with open arms and changes I never saw coming that knocked me on my ass....opened my eyes...taught me things about myself that I never knew....answered questions that lingered in my head for years and brought new questions I may never get answers to.

I'm a worrier by nature. These things tend to pile up and weigh on me. When that happens, I get blue.

As of Tuesday, I've officially been in nursing school for a year. I have 9 months left. Barring any tragedy, in December I will be pinned and graduate, take my boards and officially be a nurse. I'm doing pretty well in school. I work my ass off to try to learn everything I'm supposed to while trying like hell not to let anybody down.

It's exhausting.

It's up at the ass crack of dawn, drink as much coffee as I can, get the kids ready for school, get myself ready for work or school or work and school, drop off Small Blond and Bitter, go to work, go to school, go back to work, pick up SB&B, go home, do homework with the boys, have dinner, do my own homework, go to bed. Glorious sleep.

Then I get up and do it again.

I'm burning out. I can feel it. I can feel it in my schoolwork, at my job, at home. The pace I have to keep up is wearing me out. And it feels like there just isn't a way to get a break. This week was supposed to be my "spring break." Remember spring break when you piled in a car or on a plane to go to fabulous destinations with your friends, sat in the sun, drank cheap beer and danced until 7am?

Yep. Me too. That was 20 years ago.

Here's my spring break reality these days: I have 300 pages to read in an IV therapy book and a 4-hour online lecture to listen to and take notes on. I was looking forward to a full 40 hour week at work for the first time in God knows how long, until I got a call the other day that I had a puking kid. I swear I've tried to read that IV book. It puts me to sleep. I'm not hearing rave reviews on the lecture that I will have to focus on this weekend. I've completely spaced on fluid & electrolyte balance and only maintain a faint recollection of acid/base balance--the concepts that will dominate the next 8 weeks of my life. Throw in the time change. Who knew one stinking hour could contribute to the juicy frothing mess that is currently me?

I am not complaining. I chose this. I just need to find my mojo cuz I seem to have misplaced it. Sleep every second that I can. Try to file the unanswered questions in the "To Be Determined" file. Keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and no one knows what the future holds. Drink coffee. Read chapters. Hide in my lair when my snarling gets out of control. Keep working my ass off because really, what other choice would I allow myself?

I just have to remind myself to breathe....to let go of the things that are beyond my control. To do nice things for myself and count my blessings. To laugh and eat ice cream and spend 3 hours on the phone with my best friend...to soak up the time I spend with the boys. To keep my sense of humor to not be so blue.

After all, blue is not my color.